Substitute Sitter

Today Saint Sitter was not available, so the boys had Substitute Sitter -- an equally able, strong, and patient woman.

I got home late this evening -- and was informed immediately by Evan (11), Zayd (9) and Paul (age not available), that Ethan (6) was not nice to Substitute Sitter. Ethan had actually become quite sassy and bossy to Saint Sitter in the last several weeks as well, but I had hoped that a new person would have deterred him. Apparently not.

While I am not sure of the specifics surrounding his naughty behavior - He was quite sheepish when I got home. He knew he was in trouble. Later, while I was painting my artwork (my forged painting of Joseph Albers work -- a story for another day)... he sat next to me and watched.

Me: So, can you tell me why you were naughty today to the sitter?

Ethan: (sigh) Ohhhh... Dad already talked to me. I already talked. He told me.

Me: That's fine, but you didn't tell me why you were naughty.

Ethan: (bigger sigh) Oh! Do we have to talk about it again. I already knowed I was in trouble. I already knowed. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Me: Okay. Fine.

We sat in silence for a few minutes while I painted.

Ethan: Can you read me a book and put me to bed?

Me: I can put you to bed, but I don't know if you should get a book tonight.

Ethan: Why?!

Me: Because you were not a good listener today and you were mean to the sitter.

Ethan: But I want you to read me a book!

Me: I know you do. But I don't think you deserve a book tonight. Naughty boys who are mean to people shouldn't get what they want.

pause

Ethan: Well... I was only a little mean to her.

Me: Mean is mean. There is no little mean.

Ethan: Yes there is little mean! I was only a little mean to her... (pause) so you should read me half a book. Cause I was only kinda mean to her.

He can't read yet, but he clearly he is not stupid.

Me: A half a book.

Ethan: Yes. Only a half a book.

pause

Ethan: Or a really short book. Not a long book.

Me: Ethan - I'm not going to read you a half a book. You need a consequence for the way you acted today. If I read you a book, then there is no consequence.

Ethan: But a half a book is a con-quence.

Me: No. It's not.

pause

Ethan: I was nice to her when she gotted here! I promise.

pause

Ethan: I show-ed her the whole house. I show-ed her where everything is. I took her upstairs and downstairs. That is nice! I should get a half a book... can I? Please?

I caved. I read him a book. I know I shouldn't have - but I did. He WAS nice to her when she gotted there.

Scissors and such

Zayd, my 9-year-old, is an interesting character. I think I've referred to him in past entries as "strong-willed." Yes. He is that. He is also just... interesting.

After weeks of begging me to take him shopping for school supplies, I took him after work today. We were in the car (14-year-old Zachary was with us - I was taking him to a sleepover)... when Zayd asked:

Zayd: Mom. This time can you make sure to buy me some high-quality scissors?

Zach does a double take and looks at me like - how DARE you not buy high-quality scissors? He mocks Zayd:

Zach: Yes mother. Pleeezze! Can you at least purchase some high-quality scissors this time.

Then in a normal Zach voice he says:

Zach: What the?

Me: Zayd, I didn't realize we had not purchased high-quality scissors for you.

We pulled up to Zach's friends house and dropped him off. I turned on the radio.

Zayd: Mom. Can you please turn that off?

Me: Why? I like listening to the radio when I'm driving.

Zayd: Don't you like listening to me?

Touche. I turned it off.

Me: Yes, of course I like listening to you. What would you like to talk about.

Zayd: High-quality scissors.

Ooookkaaayyyy....

Zayd: Can we PLEASE buy high-quality scissors for school for me this time.

Me: I told you Zayd, I didn't realize the last ones we bought were NOT high quality.

Zayd: They weren't.

Me: Oookkaayyyy. Can you tell me why?

Zayd: Well....

And now begins Zayd talk - which is deliberate, includes lots of pauses and sighs, and takes a very, very, long time. He chooses his words carefully.

Zayd: Well (sigh). Well. Last year (sigh) in third grade (pause) I was cutting my Valentine's Day box...(pause).... (pause)... (pause)...

Me: Yessssss?

Zayd: And the scissors broke apart. They BROKE right APART! Right there! BROKE!

Me: Okay. Wow. That's too bad. Maybe it was because you were cutting cardboard.

Zayd: No. They should NOT have broken. High quality scissors would not have broken apart like that. (sigh). So (pause & sigh) I didn't have any scissors for the rest of the year. (sigh)

pause

Me: Okkaaayyyy. Zayd. If your scissors broke around Valentines, why didn't you just tell me and I could have bought you a new pair of scissors?

pause

pause

pause

Zayd: Well. (sigh)... uhm... (pause). Hummm. Well. (pause & sigh) I forgot.

He shrugs his shoulders. I know this because we were at a stop light so I turned to watch his response.

Me: Wow. That's too bad. How did you make it through the rest of the year without scissors?

pause

Zayd: It was VERY HARD.

Me: I guess so.

He smiles, and does his little snort laugh.

------------------------------

About 10 seconds after this conversation, we passed a gas station called Loaf n' Jug.

Zayd: Loaf n' Jug. (pause) LOAF n' JUG. (pause). Think about that mom. Think about that.

Me: Okay. What?

Zayd: LOAF n' JUG. (pause) Think about that name Mom. Loaf n' Jug.

Me: I'm thinking... what?

Zayd: Keep thinking

Now, Zayd is obviously a thinker. He likes to think a lot and he takes his time thinking. I do not have that kind of patience. So I try really hard not to lose my mind when he does this to me. He won't tell me what his point is -- but he expects me to take all the time in the world to figure out what his point is. And even if I did spend all the time in the world, I would never be able to figure it out.

Me: I don't know Zayd. WHAT.

Zayd: Loaf n' Jug. (pause) I hate that name. (pause) That is such a stupid name. It really bothers me.

Me: Why does it bother you?

Zayd: Because. Think about it! (pause) LOAF. N'. JUG!

Me: I'm sorry, Zayd. I don't get it.

Zayd: (sigh). I would never shop there.

Me: Okay then.

Zayd then snorts and laughs.

-----------------------------------

Nipple or pimple?

My kids do this new annoying thing. But they wait long enough in between doing it - that I forget, and they get me again with it.

Zach started it. Now they all do it to me at random times.

Zach: Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.

He'll keep going like that until I say...

Me: What?!

The he takes his right hand, and lifts up the corner of his t-shirt super fast to show his nipple and says:

Zach: Nipple.

And then quickly pulls the shirt back down and walks away.

One evening, when his friend Carter was over - he kept doing this to me.

Finally I said...

Me: Do it one more time Zach... and I'm going to do it back to you.

Carter: Do it Zach! She won't do it!

Zach: Uhh... you don't know my mom very well.

Me: Watch me.

pause

Zach: Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.

to which I responded...

Me: Zach. Zach. Zach. Zach. Zach. Zach.

while holding the corner of my t-shirt... waiting for him to say "what."

I think it was the holding of the t-shirt that scared the two of them. They ran away.

-----------------

Ethan does this to me too.

But for some reason, instead of saying "nipple," he lifts up his shirt and says "pimple."

Break in

After dinner, Zach, Zayd, Paul and I were sitting around the table when Paul said:

Paul: Zach? Why did you tell Evan that someone was trying to break into the house last night?

Oh yeah! I remember this middle-of-the-night conversation vaguely now. Evan came into our room convinced someone was trying to break into the house. Evan is a worrier. To tell Evan something like this is a clear attempt to torment him.

Zach: What?

Zach's standard answer when he has been caught doing something he shouldn't have done.

Evan walks in and buys Zach some time to figure out how he will answer.

Evan: My knee is killing me! I banged it against a tree today at the park.

Me: Well, go and put it up on the recliner.

Paul: Go...go! Yah-la (Arabic for - "go... go!")

Then Ethan walks in from outside. Holding his action pack.. as usual.

Paul: You'd BETTER have to go to the bathroom.

Ethan: I don't!

Zach: Do you have swimmer's itch or something?

Paul: Yeah - you need to take off your swimsuit. And wash your hands too.

Ethan starts touching Zach instead.

Zach: Get away from me!

Ethan now holds his hands over his mouth.

Me: Ethan! Seriously - wash your hands. Don't be gross.

He hops away...

Me: Okay... let's get back to our conversation...

Zach: What?

Me: Why did you tell Evan last night that someone was breaking into the house?

Zach: I saw someone.

Paul: You saw someone trying to break in.

Zach: Well... I saw someone run from the area of our front door.

Me: And Evan said you heard someone loudly jiggling our lock. You heard that?

Zach: Well... I heard something from downstairs.

Me: So, you heard someone jiggling our lock, and you saw someone run away from the area of our front door... and you didn't come to tell us? So we can assume if someone is breaking into our house, and you know about it, you aren't going to let us know.

Zayd: (snorts and laughs) Wow. Wow Zach.

Me: Yeah - no kidding. Wow.

Zach: Well, I'm afraid to wake you guys up - it's kinda spooky. If I come close you jump up.

Me: Because you are waking me up from a sleep - of course I'll get startled sometimes.

Zach: Yeah, but it's scary. You're scary.

Me: Okay, so tonight, I'll wait until you are asleep and I'll quietly walk to your bed and tap you on the shoulder and put my face in front of your face... and we'll see how you react.

Zach: No! Why are you saying that?

Me: Because you are teasing me.

Paul: Don't Zach. Don't tease your mom today. That is a really bad idea. Really bad. He smirks at me.

Me: What?!

Paul: So, let's not be tormenting your brother anymore - okay?

Zach: Fine. But I did see something.

Me: And let's try to think about letting your parents know if something is going wrong. What did you think Evan was going to do about it?

Zach: Tell you.

Yeah. I guess he did.

Trip to the Cities

We took a long weekend and went to the Cities - Valley Fair and Mall of America.

On Sunday, we went to the Cheesecake Factory for brunch. While we were waiting to be seated:

Ethan: Why are we coming to a Chinese place?

Me: This isn't a Chinese place.

Ethan: Yes. Yes it is a Chinese place.

Me: No, Ethan. This is called the Cheesecake Factory. It is not a Chinese place.

Ethan: Yes. It is a Chinese place. It looks like a Chinese place.

pause

Me: Okay. Fine. It's a Chinese place.

A little later on while we are waiting for our food, Paul takes a trip to the bathroom. When he returns and sits down:

Paul: We have to teach Ethan not to drop trou...

Zach: Well THAT is kinda random. Ethan wasn't even with you in the bathroom.

Me: What are you talking about?

Paul: When he goes to the urinal, he just drops his pants to his ankles.

Me: Oookaaay? But he doesn't have a little fly thingy on a lot of his pants.

Paul: It doesn't matter. He shouldn't drop trou to pee. He can pull it out just a bit and pee.

pause

Me: Do YOU drop trou at the urinal?

Paul: NO!

Me: Well, then where did he learn it?

Paul: I don't know. I suppose it is just easier and faster for him.

Me: Whose job is it to teach him these things? I think this one falls under the "Dad" category.

Zach: What made you think of it now?

Paul: I just thought of it. When we were at Valley Fair, he just went to the wall of urinals and dropped his pants.

Me: Is that bad?

Paul: Noooo.. but, he probably shouldn't do that anymore. He wasn't bothered by it at all. He could care less.

Ethan must have heard the word bathroom because...

Ethan: I have to go to the bathroom!

Paul: Okay I'll take you.

Me: Are you going to teach him how to do it the right way?

Paul: Yes.

They come back

Me: So? How did it go?

Paul: It went okay. He wanted to drop his trousers again... but I told him he didn't have to do that.

Me: So did he do it right?

Paul: Yeeeaaahhhh.... kinda. We'll have to work up to it.

------------

As we got in the car one last time to head home:

Ethan: We're going home boys... we're going home.

---------------

During the car ride home, there was a awful smell.

Me: Do you smell that?

Paul: Yeah.

Me: What IS that?

Paul: No clue.

pause

Me: Zach! Did you take your shoes off?

Zach: Yes. But they've been off for ten minutes.

Me: Hummm...

I see Evan's bare feet pressed against the window by Ethan's head. He's sitting behind Ethan in the back of the van.

Me: Evan! Get your shoes back on -- and off the window!

A few minutes later

Me: I still smell it.

Paul: Me too.

Me: It smells SO gross.

Paul: I know.

I turn around again.

Me: Zach: Is that your feet I smell?

Zach: I don't think so. I know they usually smell. But I just smelled them and they don't smell like the smell we are all smelling. I mean, they smell... but not like that smell.

I pick up his brand new tennis shoes I bought him in the Cities and smell them. They don't smell yet. Thank goodness.

Me: Ethan. Give me your foot. (I smell it). Hummm... no. Not Ethan.

Zach: Here! Smell mine! (He is sitting behind me and puts his bare foot up to by face)

Me: Oh my God! Get your foot away from me!

Zach: Smell it! Smell it!

Me: Zach! I'm not kidding. That's totally gross. Get it away from me!

I turn around. I feel a foot on my hair.

Me: ZACH! Paullll!!!

Zach: Oh my God! My foot is stuck!

Me: Knock it off! Get your foot away from my head!

Paul: Zach.

Zach: I'm not kidding - it's stuck!

He had put his foot through the opening of the headrest. It was stuck.

Me: Point your toes and pull it out.

A few minutes later I smell something new. I think, "God. Is that me?" I start smelling myself - I sniff my shirt, my pits. Huh. No, not me.

Me: Paul. What is THAT smell now?

Zach: Uhmm... mom? I think we'd better roll down the windows.

Me: What did you do?

Zach: I released gas.

Then the gases move towards the back.

Everyone: Ohhhh!!!!!! Ewwwww!!!!

Paul and I roll down the front windows. Next thing I know, Zach's foot is on my shoulder.

Me: Zachary Alan Amundson! That is enough!

Zach: WHAT?! I'm airing out my feet too!

Paul: Maybe we need a convertible.

About five minutes later

Me: ZACHARY!

Zach: How do you know I farted?!

Me: Because I can smell it!

The windows go down again.

This happened at least two more times and then.... apparently he did it another time.

Zach: That one passed under your radar.

----------------------

In the car, we listened to the iPod through the car radio. We got to AC/DC's Thunderstruck:

Paul: Change it.

Me: Why?

Zach: He doesn't like it because they say thunder too many times at the beginning.

Paul: Yeah - it takes to long to get to the song.

We get to Stevie Wonder's Superstitious:

Zach: Can we please change it?

Me: Why?

Paul: Bad memories

pause

Me: Really?

pause

Paul: Yeah - bad breakup for him.

Billy Joel's She's Got a Way comes on...

Zach: Can we listen to something more upbeat please?

Me: Okay.

I go to the next song, The Stroke, also Billy Joel - which happens to be about phone sex.

Me: This is upbeat...

pause

Me: Not terribly appropriate... but still, upbeat.

Then, Heart of Glass by Blondie. I hear Zach humming along... After about a minute he leans forward:

Zach: Does anyone know what she's saying?

--------------------------

As I was typing my entires tonight, Evan walks in to chat with me. Then... I smell THE smell again. The smell we couldn't find in the car.

Me: Evan? Is that you I smell.

Evan: Shy smirk... Yeah.

Me: What is that?

Evan: My feet.

Me: Oh...(sigh) Please go and do something about that. Please.

Chatter in 3 minutes

We headed out this morning to the Twin Cities for two days of amusement park rides and swimming at the Mall of America's Nickelodeon Universe and Valley Fair. The boys have been super excited all week.

I brought a notebook along so I could write down the funny things my kids say - I figured there would be lots of good material, and I didn't want to miss anything.

About two miles from the Mall, we hit major traffic. The boys hit a hyper-high and started chattering up a storm. I pulled out my notebook and wrote (in shorthand to keep up) exactly what they said. Here is the conversation that occurred in the car -- in chronological order - within a three minute time frame:

Zayd: I saw you pick your nose.

Evan: Is that the mall?

Zayd: Oh God I have the worst itch!

Ethan: When will we be there?

Zach: What's L-T-D?

Zayd: sighs and yawns loudly

Evan: Right dad? You can't even see the mall yet?

Zayd: Are we in Minneapolis?

Ethan: A mall has a rollercoaster.

Zayd: (singing) Noooooo, nooooooo, nooooooo!

Ethan: I wished we lived here in this city cause we could go to the Mall of America every day.

Zayd: Hey! Touch the window! It's toasty warm.

pause

Zayd: If you touch the window, all your dreams will come true.

Ethan: (singing) E-I-E-I-Ohhhhhhh! Fantastic!

Zach: Do you see the window Ethan? Do you see the window over there? If you touch me again I'm going to have to throw you out of that window.

Zayd: Is THAT the Mall of America?

Ethan: WHY is there so much traffic?

Zayd: (singing again) It always feels like, somebody's watching meeeee....

Zayd: (talking) Wouldn't it be cool if we lived next to the mall?

Evan: No one lives right next to the mall.

Ethan: I wished we lived IN the mall

Zach: THAT would be cool.

Zayd: HOLY MOLEY! That's a big truck!

Evan: We could get out and walk from here.

Zach: (to Paul and I) Have you ever been to New York?

Paul: No.

Me: That's our next family trip.

Zayd: Nooooooo!!!!! I think New York sounds robbery. (pause) And I think of James and the Giant Peach.

Ethan: Sqqquuueeeezzzzzze.

Zach: No. No! No. There will be no squeezing. NO squeezing in this car.

Zayd: Evan are you going to be a robber when you grow up?

Evan: Yes. And I'm going to rob your house.

Zach: ETHAN! No touching. Don't touch me. (pause). We are right by the Tria Orthopedic Center. That's comforting... in case anyone puts out a...

Ethan: EVAN! Your foot smells BAD!

Zach: Yeah - it smells really bad.

Evan: Eeeeeewwwww. It DOES smell bad. (pause) It smells like fruit.

Zach: Rotten fruit.

Zayd: (singing) There's only one way, two say, three words....

Ethan: (begins to sing the following using the same melody) There's only one day, Tues-day...

Paul: There's the Best Buy headquarters.

Ethan: Where?

Zach: Right there.

Zayd: Didn't we already pass it?

Zach: Yes, three times.

Zayd: (Bursts out laughing then begins to say:) hum-in-ah, hum-in-ah, hum-in-ah....

Evan: Dick's Sporting Goods

(pause)

Evan: And there is a meatball by the sign.

Zayd: Huh?

(pause)

Zach: That's a basketball.

Everyone laughs

Evan: It's brown and bumpy. It looks like a meatball.

(Actually, I thought it looked like a meatball too)

Zayd: (singing, again) Hom Furniture (It is supposed to be pronounced HOME - but the boys insist that because it isn't spelled right, it should be called "H-ah-mmmm") Hom furniture really wants your money! Hom furniture really wants your money.

Finally, I turned to Paul with my mouth open. He begins to shake his head from side to side.

Me: Oh. My. God.

Paul: I know.

Me: How in the hell have we managed to survive raising these kids so far? How is it that we haven't lost our minds?

Paul: Maybe we have.

What is a marriage?

We are redoing our living room and ajoining dining room - all of it. Carpet, trim, furniture, fixtures... Four boys and two dogs (may they rest in peace), was all that space could take. It really didn't stand a chance.

So, we all went to the carpet store after dinner.

The three younger boys found a play area and entertained themselves while Paul roamed in one direction, and I roamed in another -- followed by Zach, our 14-year-old.

After about 10 minutes, I found what I wanted. And Paul found me.

Paul: So did you find what you like?

Me: Yup. Here it is. I show him a solid-colored patterned carpet.

Paul: Hum.

He flips the boards and shows me another one.

Paul: What about this?

Me: No... not that. No.

Paul: Is it different?

Me: Of course it is different. Can't you tell?

Zach interprets for me.

Zach: No, mom. He means is it THAT much different.

pause

Me: Oh! Well. Yes. It is much different. Thanks Zach. I don't understand man-talk.

Zach: No problem.

Paul has now found the store manager and brings him over to my selection. He gives the manager the dimensions of our space and asks for an estimate.

After punching in numbers in his calculator for a few minutes...

Manager: Well... this carpet is $x.xx a square foot installed.

Hum. I thought that sounded reasonable.

Manager: So we are talking about $X,xxx.

Hum. Way under what I expected to hear. I wander away to keep looking at carpet to see if there is another one that I like even better.

Zach is right on my heels.

Zach: Uhm mom? Why does dad look so angry?

I turn around and look at Paul standing and talking to the manager.

Me: He doesn't look angry. That's how he always looks.

Zach: No. No mom. You're wrong. That is an angry look.

pause

Me: I suppose he is coming to the realization that we will be buying that carpet I like.

Zach: We will?

Me: Yes. He knows he has to.

pause

Zach stares at me with his mouth gaping open like I had said a bad word.

Me: What?!

Zach: So everything you ever told me about marriage, and it being all equal, and making sure that you and your spouse talk things through... that was all a lie?

pause

I turn to him slowly and look him in the eye with the most serious expression I can muster.

Me: Yes Zach. It was a lie. When your wife decides that she likes a certain kind of carpet, you will buy or you will choose to live a life of hell.

pause

Zach: Wow mom. Wow. Way to shatter my world.

-------------------------------------

I did go around the store and I picked out another carpet, just so Paul wouldn't feel like there were no other options for him. The manager joked, "Well I'm sure it won't be more expensive. I think she picked out the most expensive one we have."

Apparently - the second one I picked was more expensive.

Manager: I could have sworn she picked out the most expensive carpet we have.

So I picked a third - with the manager's help. I said, "Please show me a carpet that is of good quality, but not as much as the first one I picked. One that will make my husband happy."

He showed me another one that was acceptable.

As we got in the car with our two samples (the one I want and the one I picked for Paul)... Paul turns to me laughing and says:

Paul: How is it that within minutes of entering the carpet store you are like a bloodhound and you manage find the two MOST expensive carpets in the entire place! Oh my God! I can't believe you!

Me: Well... come on. It doesn't take a genius to see or feel what is a good carpet and what isn't.

pause

from the backseat...

Zach: But it DOES take someone of outstanding taste.

The Funeral

I called home just a minute ago to ask Saint Sitter for something.

The commotion in the background was loud - even over the phone.

Me: What is going on? 

S.S.: Oh, we've just had an active morning.

She says this with her usual patient, unalarming tone. This is one of the many reasons I love her.

Me: Are you okay?

I do worry about her safety regularly.

SS: Oh yes. I'm fine. They're fine. We've just had a busy morning.

Me: What did you do?

SS: Well, we just finished having a funeral for Evan.

Me: What?

SS: Zayd and I carried Evan up from the basement, because Evan said he was dead. We put Evan in the sandbox.

pause

SS: And Zayd sang "Amazing Grace."

double pause

SS: And Ethan put sand in Evan's pants to "make it soft."

Me: A funeral? How long did this thing last?

SS: It was a pretty good funeral - about 15 minutes.

pause

Me: Okay. Well. Then. I'm glad everyone's having a good time.

Food=Love

I made my boys fall in love with me all over again.

I went grocery shopping.

Seriously. That's what did it.

Paul and I pretty much grocery shop every day - on the way home from work, one of us stops by the store to get stuff for dinner that night and a few other items we might need. The boys go through food so fast, we can't keep up unless we do it nightly.

But today, I dropped about $150 at the store - this MAY last us three days. MAY. Ethan went with me to help.

He was very helpful in spotting "Dippin' Dots" on sale for 2 for $1. Oh - and the pickles.

So we arrived home with our load and I called the boys out to help me carry stuff into the kitchen.

Evan: Holy! Mom! You were gone so long! What were you doing?

Me: Grocery shopping - I told you that is what we were doing.

Evan: But for so long?

Me: I was gone a half hour.

Ethan: We got DIPPIN' DOTS!

Evan: Really? Where did you find Dippin' Dots?

Ethan: She founded them in the store and I picked out eight of them. But you can only have two.

Zayd comes out

Zayd: Did someone say DIPPIN' DOTS?

Ethan insisted on holding the plastic bag with the Dippin' Dots in his lap during the car ride, rather than packing it in the trunk. So he was holding on to the bag as if he manufactured the Dippin' Dots on his own.

Ethan: Yes! We got Dippin' Dots at Cashwise! I gotted them! You get two. Only two.

Zayd: Let me see!

Ethan opens up the plastic bag and shows off the purchase with pride. Zayd pretty much puts his face inside the bag to look.

Zayd: HOLY!

I popped open the trunk and the love fest hit a new level.

Zayd: Oh MY GOD MOM! What did you BUY!?

Evan: Sheez Mom!

Me: Food.

Zayd: But SO MUCH! I'm SO EXCITED!

Evan: I'm going to see what else she's got! He runs inside with a couple of bags.

Zachary comes out.

Zachary: You were gone a while.

Good God.

Me: Just help me Zach, please?

Zach: I'm just saying.

All the bags and boys go inside ahead of me, while I close the trunk and grab my purse. I walk into the kitchen and they are unpacking grocery bags like it is Christmas.

Zayd: You bought ASPARAGUS! I LOVE YOU MOM! I LOVE YOU!

Me: Zayd! It's not like we've never had asparagus before.

Zayd: I know! But I love it so much and it's here now. Right here on the counter!

This is getting ridiculous.

I pull out a couple of boxes of Little Debbie's. I don't buy these often, because the boys will plow through one box in five minutes. If I buy two boxes, they are gone in 10. You simply can't stockpile food at our house. I even have to hide food if I want something for later.

The oooo's and aaaaaah's begin.

Zach: Oh my God mom. Seriously. Seriously? I love you. I love you.

pause

Zach: I love you.

pause

Me: Okay. Now listen to me. I want these Debbies to last three days. I think you can live on two Little Debbies a day. If you guys go through these any faster - I will not buy them again. Understand?

They are all gathered around the kitchen island listening to me. Zayd is listening with the most serious look on his face.

Me: So everyone understands?

Everyone nods.

Zach: So what are we having for dinner tonight?

Me: Well, I was craving steak - so I thought we'd grill steak, have roasted asparagus, melon and tossed salad.

Zayd: Oh MY GOD! I LOVE THOSE THINGS!

Me: Ooookaaayyyy. Thank you Zayd. I'm glad you are happy.

Ethan: Can I have my Dippin' Dots for dessert?

Me: Yes, as long as you eat your dinner, you can have Dippin' Dots.

Zayd: WE CAN HAVE DIPPIN' DOTS for DESSERT!?

Zayd can be quite expressive.

Me: Yes.

Ethan: Yyyyes!

Zayd: Whooooo hooooo!

Zayd and Ethan bound out of the kitchen hooting and hollering.

Evan comes up to me and hugs me.

Evan: Thank you mom for buying all this stuff we like.

Me: Don't we always buy you guys stuff you like?

pause

Evan: Well yeah. But not all at once.

Ethan's workout

Zach, Ethan and I were in the car today, when Ethan announced from the backseat:

Ethan: My pee pee is exercising.

I bit my bottom lip and Zach turned to the window to keep from laughing.

Finally Zach spoke.

Zach: What's going on back there, Ethan?

Ethan: I said my pee pee is exercising.

Zach: How do you know it is exercising?

Ethan: Because it is sticking straight up.

pause

Me: Does it hurt?

Zach turns to me with a "What the ?? are you talking about" look...

Zach: (whispering) Why would it hurt?

Me: I don't KNOW? How would I know? Maybe it hurts!

Can't it just hurt? I mean, he's only 6...

Ethan: No.

Zach: Ethan - why do you say if it is sticking out it is exercising?

Me: Because way back when he told me it was sticking straight out, he asked me what it was doing and I told him it was exercising.

Zach looks at me again with this "What the?" look. Actually, I thought my response was genius.

Me: What was I supposed to say!?

pause

Ethan makes another announcement from the backseat:

Ethan: Okay. It's breathing now. It's done exercising.