Thursday, April 23, 2009

It's a burrito!

Last night we all went out for Mexican food. My 14-year-old insists on ordering from the adult menu because he is 14. Most of the time, the food weighs more than him.

On our way home, a moan comes from the backseat of the van.

Zach: Oh my God Mom! They are about 10 seconds apart. 

Me: What?

Zach: The contractions... Oh the contractions! They hurt so bad. They are 10 seconds apart. I think I'm having a super burrito.

Oh my God.

Now his 8-year-old brother, who is sitting next to him in the backseat, joins in...

Zayd: OK-  Zach... just breathe. Pant... like a dog.

I have GOT to cancel our cable.

Zach: (panting). Time them Zayd. 

Zayd: (pause) Oh no! 8 seconds apart. OH MY GOD! I think your water broke!

That's it, I'm getting rid of all the TVs in the house.

Zach: Oh yeah! I'm having it... the burrito is on it's way!

Followed by more panting and grunting sounds. 

Chorus of boys: It's a burrito! Oh... it's a super burrito! It's so cute! (laughter)

Contraction envy. That's what this is.  

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Raising Feminists

Yesterday, my 11-year-old gave his dad a rousing lecture on equality.

Evan: Dad, I know you are the man of the house, but mom is the woman of the house and she gets as much say in things as you do. Just because you are a man, doesn't mean you get to decide everything.

Dad: Yes, Evan, I understand that.

Evan: No, Dad, I don't think you understand. Why is it when you want to do something or get something, you just do it. But when mom wants to do something or get something, she asks you first. She shouldn't have to ask your permission. She should get to do whatever she wants.

Dad: That isn't true Evan. Your mom does and gets lots of things and does not ask my permission.

Evan: Dad. Come on. Do you really think I believe that. I've seen it Dad. She asks you but you do stuff all the time. You bought the flat-screen TV while she was gone and it costed a lot and you didn't ask. But I know she would've asked you. So why is that? Why is that? I don't understand.

What in the hell has brought this on? All the talks we have had about gender, sex, and sexuality; all the talks about feminist history and equality; all the discussions about "boys can wear pink underwear with flowers too;" My GOD. They have paid off. What an great partner he will make. I am so proud.

Dad: (pause). That's different Evan. A TV is not a living thing.

Evan: So if we want to have a living thing, we have to ask permission?

Me: Ferns are living things.

Note: My husband has ferns all over the house and is fully aware of my utter hatred for them. I feel like I am living in a damn nursing home. The one that appeared in our bedroom two months ago is massive. It sheds all over the carpet and has infested our room with these annoying little bugs -- like fruit flies- but I don't know... they must be fern flies. They fly in my face all the time. I hate the goddamn ferns. No one asked me about the ferns.

Dad: Fine. (frustrated sigh) Do you want me to get rid of the ferns?

Me: Actually...

Evan: So, if mom wants a dog, we should get a dog. Because mom wants one and she is the woman of the house.

Huh. This sermon is about a dog. Well, feminist thinking has to start somewhere.

Damn it. Just swatted another goddam fern fly.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Brain Dead?

My 5-year-old and I are home sick today.

He is watching TV and calls to me in the next room:

"Mom, I want to watch more TV, but I think my brain is going to die."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


We've gone from NajMania to MediaMania at our house.

My 11-year-old posted a report to CNN's i-Report online. He talked about Fargo's flood, blizzard, and being stuck at home for almost 2-weeks.

16,000 hits on his video later (in less than one day)... he has become a celebrity. CNN Headline news interviewed him on the air... so did local radio... and now a producer for a national talk show host called.


Oh - and the Penguin girlfriend? She totally likes him now.

Here's the video he submitted.