Papa gets picked up

I may have shared this before...
Papa is a ladies man.

With the exception of my mother, Papa seems to charm every woman he meets - from waitresses, to mall walkers, to random passersby after car accidents.

Yes. Random passerby after car accident.

I heard this story tonight over the phone from my mother, Nana.

Nana: Oh my Gad. I forgot to tell you... You are not going to believe it! You are not!

Me: Oh no. What.

Nana: Papa got in another car accident.

Me: SHUT. UP.

Nana: Oh yes he did!

Papa's little mint green Ford Focus has had its share of bumps with other cars, including mine. There was the time that Papa backed out of his garage and used his rearview window to leave a nice looonggg deep gouge across the side of my car door. $5,000 later, I've got a new car door.

Then there was the other time Papa didn't quite see that pole behind him in the parking lot...
and the time when he didn't see that other car...
oh.. and then there was that mailbox.

Me: Is he okay?

Nana: Oh ya. He is fine. But we don't know if the car can be fixed.

Me: It's THAT bad?

Nana: We don't know.

Me: How don't you know? If you don't know if it can be fixed, that must mean it was pretty bad!

Nana: Well we don't know.

Okay - I'm obviously not getting anywhere here...

Nana: And we tried to call you to pick him up but we couldn't find your phone number!

Me: You don't know my phone number?

Nana: Welll... Papa had it written on a paper but he threw it away. And I don't know what he did with it! And I didn't know what to do.

Me: Okay. Okay. Hold on... why did he need to get picked up? What happened?

Nana: I don't know.

pause

Me: You don't know.

Nana: Well, someone hit him.

Me: Someone hit HIM? You mean it wasn't his fault?

Nana: NO! Can you believe it? (she starts laughing).

Me: No! What happened?

Nana: I don't know.

omg

Me: Mom.

Nana: I don't know! The guy didn't see him and he hit him!

Hmmm. Not helpful.

pause

Me: Where did he hit him?

Nana: At the mall.

Me: I mean where did he hit the car?

Nana: In the front.

Me: Oh God. It's a good thing he didn't get hurt.

Nana: Ya! It was on the front part of the passenger side! I would have been the one hit!

pause

Me: So why did he need to get picked up?

Nana: The car wouldn't start!

Me: Where is the car?

Nana: At the body shop. But we don't know if it is worth fixing. It has been crunched so many times.

pause

Me: Did he get mad at the guy?

My father can be very scary when he is mad.

Nana: No. He felt sorry for the guy. The guy works at the mall. Papa tried to get his attention because he saw that he wasn't looking.

Me: Thank God he wasn't going fast.

Nana: I know.

pause

Me: So then, how did he get home?

Nana: A woman.

pause

Me: What?

Nana: Yah. Your dad found a woman.

Me: A particular woman or just a random woman?

Nana: Yah! He found just a woman to bring him home!

Of course he did.


Me: Of course he did.

Nana: I know. When she brought him home, he wanted to invite her in for coffee.

Me: How did he find a woman to do that?

Nana: You know your dad!

Yes. Yes I do. 

Hair plants

Zayd: Mom? If you water your chest will you grow chest hair?

Me: No.

pause

Zayd: If you water right here (he points to upper lip) will you grow a mustache?

Me: Uh... no.

Zayd: Why not?

Me: Because you aren't a plant growing in the soil with sunshine.

pause

His eyes grow wide.

Zayd: What if you took some hair and put it in some soil and watered it. Would it grow?

Me: No.

Zayd: How do you know?

Me: I just do.

Zayd: Have you ever done it before?

Me: No.

Zayd: Then you don't know for sure.

Me: I suppose.

pause

A devilish smile comes across his face as he stares at my head of hair.

Zayd: Can I have some hair?

Me: Go grow your own.