Be present

Another post I wrote, but never published. This one from 5/18/11 at 12:05 AM ---------------------------- Eight years ago, a counselor suggested that I read, "Wherever you go, there you are," by Jon Kabat-Zinn to help me reduce my stress level.



Now, I'm the kind of girl who has two speeds: Turbo and sleep. It's not a super healthy way to live but for most of my life - with the exception, I would suspect, of when I hadn't started crawling - I lived it in this way.



So, at the advice of my counselor, I read the book. Then I read it again. And then I read it again.



I didn't understand a lick of it.



"Wherever you go, there you are" is a book about being present. Who can be present when you are either moving at the speed of light or comatose? My being was completely wrapped up in titles, jobs and doings. What was my title at this job or that? What kind of job did I have? What did the outside see and think of me when I was a teacher, journalist, and even a daughter and mom? Most importantly, was I doing such an amazing job in these roles that I was indispensable?



This is how I measured my life.



A few weeks ago I left a job that I loved. I just up and quit. After 20+ years of working my ass off to move up in titles, jobs and doings, I had enough.



And I owe it all to a person who I would never want to be.



Without getting into specifics, I'll just say that I purposefully chose to walk away from toxicity.



Let me tell you something. I've been "being" for three weeks now. No title (unless you count trophy wife), no job so to speak (and I do not believe being a parent, wife or daughter is a job - it is a privledge),

and no particular need to "do" anything.



Guess what!?



There is a speed between turbo and sleep! And it is euphoric! I don't even know if you could call it a speed - because it is just a being. It is the "wherever you go, there you are" speed.