Bedtime break

Paul and I were out with another couple last night - Zach was in charge of the critters back at the ranch.

We got home around 10 p.m. (I know, we're just crazy party animals). As soon as we walk in the door...

Zayd: Hi Mom and Dad!

Strike one. Zayd is still awake.

Me: What are you doing up?

Zayd: I wanted to wait for you to put me to bed.

I come into the kitchen and see Zach in the hallway, trying to pick the lock to the guest bathroom.

Me: Who locked the door?

Zach: I have no idea. And I am injuring myself trying to pick this lock.

Me: Let Zayd get it. (Zayd is a master at picking locks). Zayd! Will you come and unlock the bathroom door for us please?

Zayd comes to the rescue.

Me: Where is Evan and Ethan?

Zach: In bed.

Me: You put Ethan to bed.

Zach: Yes. I put Ethan to bed.

Me: Okay. Thanks.

I head up the stairs to check on Ethan. I walk into his bedroom...

...and Ethan is not there.

After a nano-second of confusion... I head back down the stairs to ask my "sitter" where exactly he put my youngest son to bed.

Me: Zach? Where is Ethan?

Zach: He's in bed.

Me: Uh. No. No. He is not in bed. Where is Ethan?

Zach: I put him in bed.

Now I'm panicked. I'm panicked because as a toddler, Ethan used to hide from us in the house and no matter how many times we would call for him, he would not answer. It sometimes would take five of up to 10 minutes to find him... a lifetime when you are looking for your child. This incident took me right back to those days...

Zayd then offers in a sing-songy voice...

Zayd: I think I know where Eeethhhannnn iiiis!

Me: Where?!

Zayd: Here. In the bathroom.

O.M.G.

What the hell is Ethan doing in a locked bathroom, and how long has he been in there, and why doesn't Zach know he is in there?

We both peer in.

Then we both peer down.

Ethan is on the floor. Motionless.

I panic.

He's dead. I'm sure of it. My oldest son has left my youngest son to die on the bathroom floor. We can only open the door a couple inches because the bathroom isn't very big, and Ethan is lying on his side - taking up all available floor-space that isn't being taken up by the toilet.

Zayd starts laughing.

Zayd: He's asleep!

Thank you God.

I reel around and look at Zach.

Me: How is it that you didn't know your brother was in the bathroom!?

Zach: I put him to bed!

Me: You actually put him to bed?!

Zach: Yes!

Me: So you made sure he put on his jammies, you tucked him in and you saw him asleep in bed?

pause

Zach: Well... no. But I went up there with him and he said he was going to bed.

Me: Urghh. Zach!

Zach: I didn't know he'd come back down!

I turn back to the bathroom where Ethan is still lying motionless on the floor.

Me: Ethan... Ethan... Wake up. Wake up honey.

Zayd and I end up having to nudge the door against Ethan a few times to wake him up. When he does wake up, he looks totally confused.

Me: Honey! What were you doing asleep in the bathroom!?

Ethan: Huh?

Me: Why were you in the bathroom?

Ethan: I didn't want to go to bed without Zayd.

I sprouted at least a dozen more gray hairs.

Jimmies

It's late. Paul, Evan, Zayd, Ethan and I are in the car coming home from a long evening at a hotel pool where the boys swam almost nonstop for three hours.

Zayd: Uh. Mom? Don't you want to talk to Evan about something?

Me: I do?

Zayd: Eh hm... yes. You do. Swim trunks?

Me: Oh! I thought you didn't want me to say anything.

Evan: I did not pull down your swim trunks Zayd. It was an accident.

Zayd: Ohhh. Riiiight. It was an accident.

Evan: They didn't even come down very far.

Zayd: Yes they did! They came down all the way!

Evan: Zayd! No way! I was just holding on to you when we were going down the slide and they pulled down just a little.

Zayd: Uhhh... You pulled them down so my Jimmies were showing.

pause

Me: Your WHAT? (I turn to Paul) Did he say jimmies? What are jimmies?

I figured this must be another boy-term that I am totally out of the loop on...

Paul bursts out laughing and so does Evan... Ethan just starts laughing because everyone else is.

Paul: What are you talking about Zayd?

Zayd: My Jimmies. That is what Chase and I call it. (Chase is his friend)

Evan: Okay. So Jimmies must be either butt or testes.

Paul: Well, there's a big difference between those two things.

Me: Why are we calling anything Jimmies?

Zayd: It's testes.

Evan: You call your testicles Jimmies?

Zayd: Yes. It sounds better. So... like... if I get kicked I can say, "Whoa. You kicked me in the Jimmies."

Excitment = poop

I'm on the computer in the kitchen when Ethan comes in from outside doing a combination prance-like duck waddle.

He prances waddles right up to me.

Ethan: Did you know that when I get excited I have to poop?

Me: No. Wow. Interesting.

Ethan: Yeah.

Me: So, you must be excited?

Ethan: No.

pause

Ethan: Well... actually yes.

Me: Ah.

He walks away into the guest bathroom and shuts the door.

A few minutes later, he emerges.
 
Ethan: Uh... mom? The toilet is clogged.

pause

Ethan: I was pretty excited.

Another Game of Life

Tonight Ethan, Zayd and I played the "Game of Life."

They've learned some good lessons from our previous games together. Now when someone lands on "Get Married," Zayd, who is always our banker says, "Do you WANT to get married? If so, do you want to marry a boy or a girl?"

Ethan got upset when Zayd first said he didn't want to get married.

Ethan: You aren't getting married?! That's lame!

Zayd looks at me and laughs

Zayd: Why is that lame?

Ethan:  Because then you are going like be all by yourself in your house.

Zayd: Well.. you don't have to marry someone...

Ethan: Well, I don't want to adopt a wife!

During our game we also get to choose whether or not we have kids - even if we land on a "Baby!" spot. Ethan, however, takes a lot of pride in marrying a girl, and having lots of kids. He usually ends up with a car full.

Ethan: I had the most kids again!

Zayd: You don't want that many kids...

pause

Zayd: Aaaaannnnndddd I'm going to find out why on Friday.

It took me a second to get this. Then I realized that this Friday he is getting "The Talk" at school.

Me: Ohhhh!

Zayd: It took you a while to figure it out didn't it?!

A bit later in the game, Zayd got twin boys...

Zayd: Oh! 

pause

Seeing there were no boy figures to put in the car... Zayd said...

Zayd: Well... it looks like they were born with girl parts.

At the end of the game, we all read our "Life" cards aloud -- the achievements we made. Zayd had done everything from become president to cure cancer...

Zayd: I also found a solution to population!

pause

Zayd:  And it isn't killing everyone.