Before I get into the kitchen I yell out, "Why is the faucet running?"
My 14-year-old, Zach, replies, "Ethan is washing his hands."
This cannot be good. My children do not willingly wash their hands.
I quickly drop my stuff on the floor and walk towards the bathroom. Ethan walks out and he is smeared in something black. It is all over - On his face, on his hands, on his shirt and on his pants.
Me: What is that? I examine it more carefully. What did you do? Is that marker?
Please let it be washable marker.
Me: Oh my God Ethan! Is that ink? Where did you get ink?!
Before I bother to find out, I take his hand and quickly walk him upstairs to my bathroom. Nail polish and eye makeup remover and cotton balls - Always my first line of defense.
It seems to work pretty well... Then... it hits me.
Me: Ethan? Where did this ink come from?
Me: Ethan? Did you play with a pen?
Then... it really hits me.
Me: Ethan.... where is the pen? Is it on a table? Were you drawing on the table?
Me: Ethan. Tell mommy where the pen is.
Ethan: It's on the couch.
Of course it is.
I grab my nail polish and eye makeup remover and bag of cotton balls and bolt outta the bathroom leaving Ethan standing there. I have my priorities.
There is ink all over our beautiful leather burgandy couch. His eight-year-old brother, Zayd is sitting right there, watching television... completely oblivious.
Me: Holy crap.
Zach: What happened?
Me: How is it that both of you are within inches of your brother and no one seems to see that he has exploded a ball point pen on himself and the couch?
I begin working on the couch. Zach, Zayd, and now the culprit, Ethan, are on top of me watching. The eye makeup remover kinda works. Then I try nail polish remover. Smears it all over.
Zach: Whoa. That doesn't look good.
Zayd: The couch is turning purple mom!
Ethan: I like purple.
Me: Unless. You. Are going to grab. A cotton ball. And help me. Get. this. off... GET AWAY FROM ME!
Zach and Ethan scatter. Zayd stays to help. I check the internet and find out that isopropyl alcohol works.
In the meantime, husband comes home and takes over cleaning up Ethan with isopropyl alcohol. We didn't bother to check whether that was safe to do.
Ethan appears again - dancing around me in his polar bear underwear as I continue to try to clean up the couch. What is it with this kid and underwear?
Ethan: Mom! I need more alcohol! Isopropyl alcohol
Great. That's all I need now - For him to go to school and repeat that line.
After about 40 minutes, a bag of cotton balls, and a half roll of paper towels... it looks acceptable. I call my husband Paul into the room.
Me: There. It looks ok? Doesn't it?
We both stand there, staring at the couch for a minute
The Zach yells from the kitchen.
Zach: Hey! Look at the bright side. At least it wasn't a white couch.