Being Najla

Last night I lost my temper at one of my boys.

I was so angry I thought I would pick up a chair and throw it out the window. I needed something to crash loudly so I could feel better and he would understand how angry I was.

I did not do that. Instead I left the scene and cooled off in my own room. As I sat on my bed, staring out the window... I heard footsteps.

Argh. I really didn't want to talk to him.

But it wasn't him. It was Ethan.

He came up to me, put his arms around my waist, rested his head against my side and patted my belly.

Ethan: Why are you so mad mom?

Me: Because someone doesn't want to work very hard in school and it makes me upset that they don't care.

Ethan: I work hard in school.

Me: I know you do baby. Just do your best. That's all I want from you. To do your best.

Ethan: I do! Remember I got all my spelling words right!

Me: Yes, I remember and I am proud of you. But you should be proud of yourself too.

pause

More belly pats...

Ethan: It will be okay mom. It will be okay. Don't be mad anymore.

****

Later, when I was putting Ethan and Zayd to bed...

Ethan: It's hard being a mom, isn't it?

Me: Yes. Sometimes it is hard.

pause

Ethan: But I try to help you. Don't I help you?

Me: Yes. You help.

Ethan: I help clean up and do my homework and stuff...

Me: Yes sweetie, you help a lot and I appreciate you.

pause

Ethan: Do you hate your life mom?

Me: What?!

Ethan: Do you hate your life?

Me: Oh my gosh Ethan! NO! Of course not! I LOVE my life. I have all of you, I have dad -- I am so happy. You are my life! But just because I love my life, it doesn't mean that it can't be hard sometimes. Life is hard sometimes, right?

Ethan: Yeah. It is.

Me: It's not really hard being a mom at all. It's just hard being Najla.

Ethan: It's hard being Najla?

Me: Sometimes.

pause

Ethan: Ohhhh...

pause


Ethan: I understand mom.