High Waters

I swore I would never let this happen to one of my sons.

But I did.

I have failed as a mother.

When my oldest was the only child, he was always dressed to the nines. Everything matched... he had cute clothes from Gymboree, Baby Gap... he had sweat suits with the swoosh on it. I loved dressing this kid up. AND... he was cute. Actually, he was a beautiful child.

We'd go out and about together... and I'd see stressed out parents trooping around with a herd of children who looked like ragamuffins... and I'd think to myself - "Never."

One thing that I would often see were boys wearing jeans that were too short, and too tight. "How in the world!" I used to think to myself, "Why can't that poor child's parents spend just an extra five minutes finding something that fit?"

Yesterday I found out.

I looked up at the clock and I had fifteen minutes to round up Ethan and Zayd, get them in their boy scout uniforms and drive to the pack meeting.

Me: Oh my God! BOOOOOYYYYYSSS! We GOTTA GO NOWWW! Get your boy scout shirts on and let's hit the road!

Two bodies tore out of the house and into the garage as I ran upstairs to get what I needed together.

I hop in the car and the boys are already buckled up in the back seat.

Me: Whew! Sorry about that guys! I didn't see the time.

We drive to school and walk into the cafeteria. That's when I see him.

Zayd.

He is wearing jeans that are so tight his zipper is barely hanging together... and they are high waters.

I gasp.

Oh my God! Oh my God!  

Me: Zayd.

Zayd: Yeah?

Me: Zayd. Where did you get those pants?

Zayd: From the closet.

Me: Zayd. Those pants don't fit you. Why are you wearing them?

Zayd: They fit me.

He doesn't even KNOW that they don't fit! This is bad. This is very, very bad.

Me: They look tight. They look uncomfortable. Are they tight on you?

Zayd: Weelll... kinda.

Me: Oh Zayd! I'm so sorry! I didn't know you needed help finding pants to wear! pause Here, untuck your shirt - that will help them feel (and look) not so tight.

He untucks his shirt.

Two seconds later, someone says "T-N-T Zayd!"

I whip around and look at him.

Me: What? I say sharply

Parent: You are going to get in trouble with the pack leader for not keeping your shirt tucked in.

Me: His pants are too tight.... and by the way dude? Get out of my face.

Zayd looks at me in horror and starts tucking his shirt in again.

Me: No! Stop Zayd. It's MY fault you aren't wearing pants that you can tuck a shirt into. NOT yours. Leave it untucked - and dude! Leave my kid alone!

Another parent comes to my defense.

Sane Parent: I'm sure it will be fine. Don't worry about it.

Me: Yes. Thank you.

Insane Parent: Well... He's going to get on you Zayd.

Zayd proceeds to squeeze his shirt in his pants and then I am trying to adjust -- when I see that he is not wearing just his boy scout shirt... but ANOTHER thick nylon basket ball shirt underneath it.

Me: Zayd! Two shirts? Really? No wonder it is so tight. Why don't you go to the bathroom and take off the shirt underneath.

Zayd: No. No. I'm fine.

Me: I'm worried about you - can you even breathe?

Zayd: I'm fine mom. I can breathe.

He can't breathe. I'm sure of it. I see his face turning light bluish. My God! Not only have I failed him in fashion... now I have put his health at risk.

The meeting begins, and we have no time for adjustments. I scan the room. Hummm... all the boys have their shirts tucked in....

Damn.

And Zayd gets up to walk away... and he looks just like those boys I used to see when I had only one child.

He looked like a goober.

But by God - he is my goober. And he is a handsome goober.

And tonight - I went to the mall and bought him pants.