O.M.G.

Just when I thought my children couldn't surprise me...

...couldn't shock me...

...couldn't leave me speechless...

they do it.

Tonight Ethan hit a new level.

So, I am having our Tiger Cub den meeting at the house. The project we were working on was making scrapbooks. A couple of the boys didn't have any pictures with them, so I took a few shots of them at the table working with their fellow Tiger Cubs. I walked over to the computer and put the memory stick in the computer to print out some pictures for them to use.

The thumbnails loaded.

And there it was...

A close up shot of a gleaming white butt.

GLEAMING. CLOSE UP.

My eyes grew wide. I gasped - and then the rest happened in slow motion.

I whip my head around and see a parent of another Cub Scout coming towards me.

I panic.

How in the hell do I delete this photo!

He steps up behind me.

Me: Hmmmm.... (I say loudly as if I just noticed it). Some of these pictures shouldn't be here.


Damn it! Why can't I delete this thing!

Parent: Ah! I see someone got a hold of a camera!

I am now officially mortified.

Me: Hee hee... yeah. (I laugh uncomfortably).

I finally manage to delete the photo... and then another photo catches my eye...

O.M.G.

It is a penis.

Now I have stopped breathing. It's one thing to have a picture of your kid's butt in living white gleaming color on the computer screen in front of you... it's another to have his one-eyed monster staring you in the face.

I managed to click open another picture to cover up the penis picture before the parent saw it.

O.M.G. My mind races. That butt and penis look familiar... which son? Which son? Then it hits me. Ethan had taken the camera a few days ago and disappeared with it for about 15 minutes before I noticed. Wow. The butt and penis belong to Ethan. Man? How did he manage to take that well-focused butt shot by himself? And the penis shot was well-centered too... huh.

The father walks away and then Ethan comes skipping towards me.

Ethan: Are you printing me more pictures to use in my scrapbook mom!?

I click open the thumbnails again.

Me: Whose butt is this?

pause

Ethan: Oh! (he laughs) That's mine!

Me: Who took the picture?

Ethan: I did!

pause

Me: Who does this belong to? (I point to the penis shot).

Ethan: Oh. (not laughing)... that's mine too.

Me: Who took that picture?

Ethan: (more quietly) I did.

pause

Me: (I turn my head slowly towards him and I whisper). You. Are. In. Such. Big. Trouble.

Ethan's eyes grow wide.

Ethan: What?! Why!?

Me: (I whisper more quietly... and more threateningly). Because we do not take pictures of our BUTTS and PENISES.


pause

Me: (whispering) We will talk about this after the meeting.

****

After the meeting I go upstairs to our bedroom where Paul is watching television.

Paul: The meeting must have gone well! I didn't hear anything.

Me: You are going to take this one.

Paul: Huh?

Me: You aren't going to believe what Ethan did. This tops it all. You get to deal with this one.

pause

Paul: Oh no. What?

Me: So I took some pictures since two of the boys didn't have any to scrapbook with. I loaded them onto the computer... but apparently someone had taken some pictures before me.

Paul: Ooookayyy...

Me: Ethan. Ethan took a picture of his butt and penis!

long pause

Slowly, a smile grows across Paul's face and he bursts out laughing.

Me: Paul!

Paul: Oh my God! (laughing)

Me: He had pulled it out over his pants and took a picture of it. Up close!

Paul: HA!

Me: Paul! Mr. G saw it too!

Paul: Oh God. (more seriously). I hope he didn't think we took them.

Me: Pauuulll! Holy! I hadn't even thought about that!

pause

Me: No. No. He knows we wouldn't do that. Geez Paul. Okay. So you get to talk to him. I'm not dealing with this one.

****

I bring Ethan upstairs to face his fate.

Paul: Ethan. Look at me. We need to talk to you.

Ethan whimpers.

Paul: Ethan. You mom tells me that you took a picture of your bottom and your penis. Is that true?

Ethan whimpers again and offers the slightest hint of an affirmative nod.

Paul: What you did was naughty. Do you know why that is naughty?

Ethan whimpers more.

Paul: Ethan. Sit up straight and look at dad so I can talk to you. Do you know why that is inappropriate and naughty?

Ethan whimpers and shakes his head no.

Paul: Because. Our penis and our bottom is private. We do not take pictures of our privates for others to see. We do not show other people our privates. Do you understand?

No response. Ethan's face is now on the bed.

Paul: Ethan. Do you understand?

Ethan nods yes.

Paul: Okay. You are not to use the camera anymore. And you are not to use the computer for the next few days.

Ethan: Why! (he whines).

Paul: You are being punished for what you did.

Ethan's eyes are now welling up with tears and he is trying so hard to not cry.

Ethan: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm really really sorry!

Paul: Good. I am glad you are sorry. But this will remind you not to do something like that again.
Now go and put on your pajamas and brush your teeth.

pause

Then, he loses it. Ethan's tears come pouring down and he runs out of the room crying.

I stand and look at Paul.

Me: Paul. What is next? What are they going to do next? I thought I had seen it all. You'd think with the last son, by now we would have seen it all.

Paul: Oh... I think this last one is going to be a doozy.