Friday, December 11, 2009

Birds and Bees

My husband is the MASTER of the "birds and the bees" talk. He is so good at it, I have considered transcribing it and selling the script online for $10.


I learned he was the master when I listened to him talk to Zach about it when he was about 7.

Some may think 7 is too young. But, my sister-in-law, who I truly believe knows everything there is to know about appropriate child-rearing, decorating, cooking, home improvement, and properly tearing down non-supporting walls, said that most boys learn about sex by the time they are in 2nd grade. When Zach was 7, I was pregnant with Ethan - so Paul and I figured we'd better tell him before his friends got to him.

I am sitting on the couch next to Zach holding his hand while Paul gives "The Talk."

I'm waiting for the big moment - the point in time where you have to really say what happens. You gotta get down to the nitty gritty.

And... Paul is so smooth! I didn't even notice it. It was so calm, no-nonsense and really, really, really sweet! Beautiful actually. That is when I knew - THIS guy is freakin' amazing. Wow.

Paul follows up his talk by giving the boys an age-appropriate book. This insures that they really "got it."

Just because you tell your child about sex, doesn't mean they get it. My family found this out with my sister. In our elementary school, they offered a "Family Living" class in the fifth grade - sex education. My sister got an A in Family Living, but didn't know how sex worked which I realized after a conversation with her in our room. I remember saying, "What? You think that's how girls get pregnant?" and she responded with, "Uhm.... I guess I'm not sure how they get pregnant." Followed by, "Didn't you get an A in Family Living?"... anyways, I set her straight. That is the only "The Talk" I've ever had to do thank God.

Each of our children, thus far, have responded differently to "The Talk." Zach read the book and immediately had a series of brilliant questions: "If one sperm and one egg make a baby... then how are twins made?""So how are identical twins made?"

Evan got the talk around 8. I wasn't there for his. I had heard it once already. Clearly, Paul knows what he is talking about. From what Paul told me, Evan was intrigued. No questions ever asked, but he did read the book from cover to a dozen or more times. We think he still has the book somewhere, because shortly after giving Evan the talk, the book disappeared.

However, with Evan we did worry that he would take it upon himself to educate others little boys. I'm not sure if he did or not.

Crap. Is that why the book is gone?

A couple weeks ago, it was Zayd's turn. We had to buy another book of course. We waited until Zayd was 9 for several reasons: 1. He is Zayd (please see all other entries regarding Zayd for a full understanding of this statement); 2. He was recently tramatized by the revelation that there is no Santa Claus and no Easter bunny... which led us to believe he wasn't mentally prepared for "The Talk;" 3. He is Zayd.

Again, I was not present. But I waited patiently for Paul to come downstairs from his mission.

Me: How did it go?

Paul: I think it went well.

Me: How did he take it?

Paul: Uhmm. Fine.  I asked him if he had heard any of this before and he said no.

Me: Oh my God. It was a total surprise? He is probably traumatized. Why can't he have friends who are a little bad?

Paul: He'll be fine.

Me: Where is he now?

Paul: Reading the book.

Me: Did he seem interested?

Paul: I don't know. I really don't know.

About 3 minutes later, Zayd comes down the stairs.

Paul: You are already done with the book?!

Zayd: No.

Paul: You didn't like it?

Zayd: I don't feel like reading.


Zayd never did get back to reading the book. It's been two weeks. Unlike Evan, who still has his book - somewhere - Zayd has chosen a different route... that of non-acknowledgment.

Simply put, he refuses to acknowledge that "The Talk" ever took place. He does not recognize "The Talk" sort of the same way that North and South Korea don't recognize one another.  I mean, it's there - we all know it's there - but... it just really isn't there.

Two weeks have gone by and there has still been no acknowledgement. One day, Paul and I are sitting and having coffee when Zayd walks in:

Me: Zayd. I was wondering if you had any questions about your talk with your dad?

Zayd didn't bother to say no. He stood and stared at me for about 5 seconds with a blank, completely disengaged look... veering slightly towards a "Are you really THAT stupid" kind of look. He turned and walked out of the room.

To which Paul and I looked at each other. I with complete panic and Paul biting his lower lip to keep from laughing.

So. There you go. We have no idea what is going on with Zayd.

Come to think of it, we have never really known what is going on with Zayd. So, at least nothing has changed, right?

And despite the latest results of Paul's talk, I'm still pressing forward with marketing the script. We just won't ask Zayd for a testimonial.

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