Play by play: Poop

Ethan is standing in an odd way in front of me in my bedroom.

Me: Do you have to pee?

Ethan: No I have to poop.

Me: Well go to the bathroom then!

Ethan: Okay!

He starts walking like an old man towards my bathroom. As he is walking, slowly I might add, he says:

Ethan: Actually it is starting to come out right now. It's kinda half in and half out.

Oh my God.

Ethan: (Still working on getting situated on the toilet). It's kinda dry and crunchy.

pause

Ethan: No I think it might not be dry. It's going to be a wet one. And it's a big one.

He is giving me this play by play in a raised voice. Kinda monotone. No real emotion. Just the facts.

Ethan: Oh. My. God. Yup. It's gonna be a big one. It's kinda hard and dry.

pause

Ethan: Hmmm... no. It's kinda wet and dry at the same time.

He starts singing: Rubber ducky... you're the one... who... whoo.... I don't remember.

Ethan: Holy cow. (pause). You gotta come and see this.

I hear little plops in the water.

Ethan: These are my chicken nuggets from last night.

More plopping.

Ethan: Whoa.

pause

Ethan: Ewww... No. (pause). They are kinda juicy.

pause

Ethan: Mom. You do not want to see this. You defintely do not want to see this.

Flush.