Advice to a 1st grader

This morning, Paul had a man-to-man talk with Ethan, our 1st grader, before he went off to his first day of school. I couldn't believe that Paul was able to keep a straight-face during the talk. Paul has a very deep voice - coupled with his 6'6 stature -- he makes for an authoritative figure.

Paul: Ethan. Come here. I need to talk to you.

Ethan walks over to Paul who is sitting in our sunroom reading the paper. (very "Leave it to Beaver-ish - but no pipe).

Paul: Ethan. You are now in first grade and there are things you just can't do anymore.

Ethan: Okay.

Paul: You cannot be holding your penis all the time in front of people and you cannot have your hand in your pants. 

Ethan: Daaad! (sigh)

Paul: It's impolite. You shouldn't do it in front of your teacher or your friends. You are not a kindergartener anymore. You are a big boy.

Ethan: (looong sigh)

Paul: And you can't lick stuff all the time either. No more licking tables and chairs. Understand?

Ethan: (longer sigh).

Paul: Seriously Ethan. You are going to get very sick if you keep doing that. So you need to stop.

I actually mentioned to Ethan's doctor last week that I thought he might have some kind of oral fixation  -- especially after he wrote on the chalkboard in the doc's office then proceeded to taste the chalk, and lick his fingers.

He also picks his nose and eats it. 

The doctor assured me this is a safe practice.

Paul: Do you understand Ethan? 

Ethan: I know! I know! Okay! Okay!

So sad. My little boy is growing up. Can't touch anything, can't lick anything... the age of innocence over.