On Sunday, we went to the Cheesecake Factory for brunch. While we were waiting to be seated:
Ethan: Why are we coming to a Chinese place?
Me: This isn't a Chinese place.
Ethan: Yes. Yes it is a Chinese place.
Me: No, Ethan. This is called the Cheesecake Factory. It is not a Chinese place.
Ethan: Yes. It is a Chinese place. It looks like a Chinese place.
pause
Me: Okay. Fine. It's a Chinese place.
A little later on while we are waiting for our food, Paul takes a trip to the bathroom. When he returns and sits down:
Paul: We have to teach Ethan not to drop trou...
Zach: Well THAT is kinda random. Ethan wasn't even with you in the bathroom.
Me: What are you talking about?
Paul: When he goes to the urinal, he just drops his pants to his ankles.
Me: Oookaaay? But he doesn't have a little fly thingy on a lot of his pants.
Paul: It doesn't matter. He shouldn't drop trou to pee. He can pull it out just a bit and pee.
pause
Me: Do YOU drop trou at the urinal?
Paul: NO!
Me: Well, then where did he learn it?
Paul: I don't know. I suppose it is just easier and faster for him.
Me: Whose job is it to teach him these things? I think this one falls under the "Dad" category.
Zach: What made you think of it now?
Paul: I just thought of it. When we were at Valley Fair, he just went to the wall of urinals and dropped his pants.
Me: Is that bad?
Paul: Noooo.. but, he probably shouldn't do that anymore. He wasn't bothered by it at all. He could care less.
Ethan must have heard the word bathroom because...
Ethan: I have to go to the bathroom!
Paul: Okay I'll take you.
Me: Are you going to teach him how to do it the right way?
Paul: Yes.
They come back
Me: So? How did it go?
Paul: It went okay. He wanted to drop his trousers again... but I told him he didn't have to do that.
Me: So did he do it right?
Paul: Yeeeaaahhhh.... kinda. We'll have to work up to it.
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As we got in the car one last time to head home:
Ethan: We're going home boys... we're going home.
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During the car ride home, there was a awful smell.
Me: Do you smell that?
Paul: Yeah.
Me: What IS that?
Paul: No clue.
pause
Me: Zach! Did you take your shoes off?
Zach: Yes. But they've been off for ten minutes.
Me: Hummm...
I see Evan's bare feet pressed against the window by Ethan's head. He's sitting behind Ethan in the back of the van.
Me: Evan! Get your shoes back on -- and off the window!
A few minutes later
Me: I still smell it.
Paul: Me too.
Me: It smells SO gross.
Paul: I know.
I turn around again.
Me: Zach: Is that your feet I smell?
Zach: I don't think so. I know they usually smell. But I just smelled them and they don't smell like the smell we are all smelling. I mean, they smell... but not like that smell.
I pick up his brand new tennis shoes I bought him in the Cities and smell them. They don't smell yet. Thank goodness.
Me: Ethan. Give me your foot. (I smell it). Hummm... no. Not Ethan.
Zach: Here! Smell mine! (He is sitting behind me and puts his bare foot up to by face)
Me: Oh my God! Get your foot away from me!
Zach: Smell it! Smell it!
Me: Zach! I'm not kidding. That's totally gross. Get it away from me!
I turn around. I feel a foot on my hair.
Me: ZACH! Paullll!!!
Zach: Oh my God! My foot is stuck!
Me: Knock it off! Get your foot away from my head!
Paul: Zach.
Zach: I'm not kidding - it's stuck!
He had put his foot through the opening of the headrest. It was stuck.
Me: Point your toes and pull it out.
A few minutes later I smell something new. I think, "God. Is that me?" I start smelling myself - I sniff my shirt, my pits. Huh. No, not me.
Me: Paul. What is THAT smell now?
Zach: Uhmm... mom? I think we'd better roll down the windows.
Me: What did you do?
Zach: I released gas.
Then the gases move towards the back.
Everyone: Ohhhh!!!!!! Ewwwww!!!!
Paul and I roll down the front windows. Next thing I know, Zach's foot is on my shoulder.
Me: Zachary Alan Amundson! That is enough!
Zach: WHAT?! I'm airing out my feet too!
Paul: Maybe we need a convertible.
About five minutes later
Me: ZACHARY!
Zach: How do you know I farted?!
Me: Because I can smell it!
The windows go down again.
This happened at least two more times and then.... apparently he did it another time.
Zach: That one passed under your radar.
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In the car, we listened to the iPod through the car radio. We got to AC/DC's Thunderstruck:
Paul: Change it.
Me: Why?
Zach: He doesn't like it because they say thunder too many times at the beginning.
Paul: Yeah - it takes to long to get to the song.
We get to Stevie Wonder's Superstitious:
Zach: Can we please change it?
Me: Why?
Paul: Bad memories
pause
Me: Really?
pause
Paul: Yeah - bad breakup for him.
Billy Joel's She's Got a Way comes on...
Zach: Can we listen to something more upbeat please?
Me: Okay.
I go to the next song, The Stroke, also Billy Joel - which happens to be about phone sex.
Me: This is upbeat...
pause
Me: Not terribly appropriate... but still, upbeat.
Then, Heart of Glass by Blondie. I hear Zach humming along... After about a minute he leans forward:
Zach: Does anyone know what she's saying?
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As I was typing my entires tonight, Evan walks in to chat with me. Then... I smell THE smell again. The smell we couldn't find in the car.
Me: Evan? Is that you I smell.
Evan: Shy smirk... Yeah.
Me: What is that?
Evan: My feet.
Me: Oh...(sigh) Please go and do something about that. Please.
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